Mon 12/26 a.m.
I was reading through my recent posts to print some of it out for my nutritionist since I hadn’t seen her for so long. It takes up too much of the appointment to update with everything so this is easier. Obvious I edit it so only pertinent info is printed. Plus I just don’t want to go over it all again.
I completely forgot to write about the result of quitting AA, as mentioned in this post: here. Um yeah, the people who had become close friends disappeared without a single word, refused to answer texts or even entertain the idea that I existed any longer. Wow! Apparently friendship is based on towing the AA line regardless of outside issues. It was like the door had been slammed and no one cared to get an explanation. They assume I am out boozing it up in the bars I imagine. I’m not an alcoholic but I am relapsing in anorexia. Support? Nope, they aren’t even interested in hearing any of it. I ended up deleting most of the AA people from my phone. I kept a couple of woman with the plan of letting them know there’s an EDA meeting in town in case they run into any eating disordered people.
Plus my (now apparently former) sponsor has gone off the grid. I really thought we were friends beyond all this but maybe not. So, lost my support, lost some very close friends, can’t reach out if there’s no one to reach out to.
Mon 12/26 p.m.
(Edit add) My sponsor, oops ex-sponsor, finally sent me a text. His response? You stopped meetings, stopped praying and relapsed – how’s that working for you? Seriously dude?! So once again I had to explain that a part of the relapse was because of the meetings and the aftermath. I had already explained before that I had to find my own spirituality so reiterated this. I finally asked him if he was angry 😡. That’s the problem with texts, it’s hard to get a feel for how a person feels. He said he wasn’t. It was not a productive discussion. Upon reflection, I’m going to tell him (and Lilly) that what I really need right now are friends. I think that might be more important for recovery than I had ever thought. Doing normal things with people, having fun, laughing, talking… all those friend things people do. They all go by the wayside with an eating disorder. I need to remind myself of real life.
Yesterday, while at Oana‘s shop Jesse called!! I can’t believe it, it’s been 5 years. It seems like I needed to do those letters (linked) to get all my resentments and grievances, perceived or real, out so this could happen. I met him for coffee and we talked, and talked, and talked. He said that when he left it was because I was so destructive with self-harm (anorexia) that it was too much to bear. I had completely forgotten that. Jesse and Oana were my family years ago, two of the closest people in my life. This can’t be a coincidence. I feel more motivated for recovery than even yesterday. Oana did an impromptu reading and it basically said that my world has toppled ✔️, I’m going in the right direction but still holding on to old patterns ✔️, instead or assembling my life to what it was I need to create a new life (✔️ working on that). I opened up to her about what I’m going through specifically: restricting, over exercising, etc, and she reached out her hand to support me. No one, let me repeat that, no one has ever done that. Zack and Lilly were willing to help in a sense but only after I asked, and not with direct support. And now that has ended. I don’t know… I guess what I’m saying is that for the first time in this current relapse I have some hope.
Thank goodness for the gals in the EDA meeting and WordPress. I mentioned the group support text we have going in a previous post. Even though I feel like an utter failure, it is nice to have that wee bit of contact with people who are actively moving forward in recovery. Everyone is still struggling with some things but hearing them look for solutions rather than falling into the abyss keeps me connected. I feel closer. Tomorrow’s meeting will certainly feel different.
Saw my nutritionist yesterday. Same thing: no exercise, a full portion of carbs, and bumped up my required caloric total. She mentioned a treatment program that helps with compulsive exercise. It’s in El Mira, NY. I don’t plan on needing to go but after looking at the site, it wouldn’t be horrible. Of course you never know till you get there and the biggest issue is insurance, obviously. But also my meds and my food so no way.
I did eat the required carbs, so difficult, but messed up and exercised. So……. I realized after doing 200 crunches, 250 leg lifts and countless sets of chin-ups and pull-ups that maybe I’m manic. Lack of sleep plus the “high” of restriction will sometimes cause that so I doubled my anti-psychotic. I woke up at 3 am this morning so did it help? I’ll double it again tonight and every night till I feel less frenetic. I hope it doesn’t send me into a depression or worse, a mixed episode. Those are the worse!
So now, once I update this, look at my reader, I’m going to go do my reading. I’m learning the osho zen tarot cards, reading The Book of Tokens and The View from Eternity, plus a few others that enhance the tarot study. My teacher said to work with one card a day, to integrate it into myself, to change me first before my ever using them for a spread for others. And then, off to therapy… oh fun.