Hi everyone. Christmas generally means a long lonely day of crochet and movies and probably over exercising to deal with feelings. However, this year I’ve been invited to a friends house, someone I haven’t seen in five years before a couple of weeks ago. It was like no time had passed other than her kids growing up! It’s a huge risk for me; all social events are unless I am absolutely sure of what is happening and the people there. I’m going to take the risk though. I was so tempted to blame my chronic pain as an excuse to not go but one of my goals is to build up friendships rather than push them away.
My intention today is to not exercise and to eat the carbs I’m supposed to add. Whether that happens or not at least I feel a little willingness this morning. I wrote on my meal log, that I have to do for my nutritionist, that all the changes are way too much for me. So yesterday I focused on not using a timer to eat. I have an hour glass timer and would time myself between bites: TOTALLY EATING DISORDERED!!! So yesterday I chose to stop after my therapist called me. I had called her because I was out of control with exercise and she told me I have to find some kind of accountability, whether with a friend, or myself. She suggested I not allow myself to do something I enjoy until I eat my allotted calories or whatever. Well, that’s not going to work for me and I have no friends who would be able to hold me accountable. She said there’s really no magic fix for that other than a higher level of care, something I mentioned in my last post.
That made me think… am I doing this so I do have to go to a treatment program? I mean, obviously its impossible but the lure of escaping society and people might be contributing to that. It’s not that I want to be in residential treatment but rather that I’m exhausted, stressed and want a break from life in general. Something to bring up in therapy I suppose.
I really need to acknowledge that there are positive things in my life and that I’m not a complete waste of space. So I decided to create some new pages with the things that I like to do: coloring, crochet, and baking. Next month I am going to be baking bread for everyone. Sadly I can’t actually eat anything I bake because of my GI issues, thanks to anorexia, sigh. But it gives me to joy to share this talent with friends, plus it’s cathartic. I know, I know, it seems so anorexic to bake for others but I’ve always baked. I love to cook too but since I can’t eat anything other than plain meat and rice (thanks laxative abuse from years ago), or taste anything from slightly deadened taste buds (thanks purging) I have no clue what anything I cook tastes like – not a good thing when you’re cooking for others!
Anyway, perhaps sharing these pictures with you, you can see that I’m more than just an anorexic. And maybe, eventually, I will be able to see that too….