final of 3 updates
I went to my first official meeting last Wednesday. There were 3 others plus one person from out of town who had phoned in. We read some from the big book and talked on it. Everyone was so supportive. I liked that we didn’t identify ourselves by our disease but just by name. It was finally nice to be among people who have the same thing I have rather than having to be cryptic (and dishonest) about what I’m going through. I admit I did a bit of crying. I told them I was afraid because of what I went through in AA. I was afraid of being judged, condemned, misunderstood and rejected, all the things that happened as a result of leaving that other program. It left me bitter and vulnerable and unsupported in a major relapse.
They assured me that rigidity was not a part of the program. They still struggle but focus on the positive things that happen through out the day. It’s really hard to be positive in the midst of negative behavior honestly. They also assured me of not judging, period. But even that is difficult because I was, sigh, not the thinnest one there. However, how would I know????
In EDA they have what are called Milestones of Recovery. It is explained here. It’s worth a look. Anyway, as a group we decided to start a group text and share milestones throughout the day. I’ve really struggled with this but I can see that practicing this will, hopefully, start pulling me away from the black & white thinking that everything is bad, that I’m bad. Plus seeing everyone else acknowledge small victories or at least changes in perspective would be helpful. I texted a ‘food’ milestone of eating a few walnuts. Everyone was so pleased and uplifting! Yesterday was horrible but I was able to text that I did some coloring to alleviate stress and anxiety. Someone said they allowed themselves to go to bed an hour earlier, another said she was able to split her meal, ½ before an appointment and ½ after, due to time constraints. Her thing is the rigidity of meal times and such.
I’ve yet to try an online meeting. There’s one this morning at 10am EST. I chicken out every time but do need to force myself to take risks in recovery, risks beyond therapy & nutrition challenges. Doing that, albeit super hard, does help with confidence. I think I’ll text that I was able to update this blog which always helps me sort my head.