Just a quickie update since I’m getting ready for a small get together this evening. I’m looking out the window, lit with colorful holiday lights, and find it quite enchanting. Snowflakes are blowing in all directions in a lackadaisical manner. The rooftops are white and I can see white spotted in and out of the woods. Yeah, winter – meaning FREEZING! Okay, back to my post.
I don’t understand myself sometimes. I’m sitting there with my therapist last Friday. She is affirming I am full on into eating disorder mode and I’m denying it. Why am I denying it? Because I’m not emaciated. For some ignorant reasoning, my ED brain denies the possibility of anorexia unless my body matches. Of course, even if my body did match, how would I know? Have I ever seen myself as anything but fat? No. Have I ever thought to myself that I’m a petite person, small even? No. No way. I know, I know… my perception is simply askew but it is so hard to accept that when it is all I know, all I’ve seen. Can the whole world be lying to me? Chances are, not.
Another reason I think I deny it is because, sitting face to face, with her I feel my age and it simply seems silly to have anorexia at my age. And yet I do!! Having the following conversation…
“Why are you restricting? What are you getting from the behavior?”
“I need to feel in control, or rather, it gives me a sense of security, safety.”
…just seems so, well, juvenile in a sense. But then when it comes to anorexia I am just a kid, aren’t I? And there it is. It is extraordinarily difficult being 52 and acknowledging that I’m acting like a child; petulent and rebellious. Maybe it’s pride, maybe it’s embarrassing. I really don’t know what it is, just that saying what I’m doing in front of her is damn difficult!
The truth of the matter is that I am engaging in some behavior. Do I want to go down this path? No, absolutely not, but it seems like once I step on to it, I have no choice.
I called and left a message with her. I said that while I was having a moment of conscience I wanted to let her know just what I said above, about being embarrassed to say it in front of her, and that I was making a list of behaviors in my notebook that I bring. The reason I called is that I know I would not bother telling her what I wrote down. Or I would say that it was stupid and discount it. No matter what, I’d avoid owning it.
What is it about anorexia that is so hard to own?!
On my own I know I’m getting obsessed with exercise, with my caloric levels, etc. But in therapy or in my nutritionists office I minimize all of it, making it sound like it is no where close to what I’m really doing. I don’t understand why I can simply say, “I’m doing this, and this, and this….. what shall we do about it?” How hard can that be?
My therapist asked me if I wanted to destroy my GI system worse than it already is, if I wanted to go to treatment because that is where I’m heading. But it’s meaningless because I’m simply not in danger. Plus, with my already terrible GI problems, there isn’t a treatment center in the world that would take me. Problem solved, right? Sigh….. Besides, I always bounce back so I’m not too concerned. I don’t think I’m destroying my body and I’m fairly certain I’ll come to my senses eventually.
My therapist wants me to find the rational voice within but when anorexia takes over there is no rational voice. I’m thoroughly convinced I’m fine which probably proves her point…. that I’m already enmeshed.