an endless loop of anorexia and recovery

Oh my word, it’s been a while and a very long week for sure!

  1. Quit going to AA
  2. Restricting but gaining weight so what’s the point
  3. set up additional appointments with therapist
  4. sent an email to nutritionist to let her know what’s happening
  5. came to my senses… sort of

Alright, as alluring as anorexia might be, a part of me knows I can’t go down this path again without seriously risking my health; not that it has stopped me in the past. The sad truth is that if I was losing weight I’d merrily carry on but the fact that I’m gaining, despite all reasons, kind of snuffs out the candle, doesn’t it? I haven’t been hungry and that’s the issue, with weight loss anyway. If there’s no hunger, that means my metabolism isn’t working so I must up my calories. So why don’t I up them to my normal amount, you know, like on my own without paying a nutritionist a huge amount of money to tell me so? I’ve done it in the past. I can do it again… so, what’s stopping me? Yesterday I ate nearly my normal amount so today I will eat more I think. I can do this despite what my disordered brain insists. We’ll see. It is always far easier to make good decisions in the morning while sitting with a clear head and a hot cup of coffee. It’s sticking to things through out the day that seems to be the issue.

At my last therapy session my therapist talked about my having a choice, as well as accessing my rational side. A few days later, after I had a couple of very bad days, I called and left a message saying I was utterly confused on the choice issue. If I try to make a good choice and fail, then it adds fuel to the fire of self-condemnation. The constant failure then translates to more stress and expectations which lead to more behavior.

An endless loop….

She called back and explained that anorexia isn’t a choice but things I do to exacerbate it are, that’s what she was talking about. Things like watching those stupid YouTube videos, that I’ve seen hundreds of times and hanging up post-it notes of all my rules… those things are a choice. I can choose not to do those. “Oh,” was my response. Sometimes I feel so dense, honestly. I took down the notes and quit watching vids. Yesterday and today I’m taking off from exercise. Yesterday I spent the morning rearranging my bedroom/office until my back went out so I figured I ought to quit for the day to avoid a fibro flair. Today, although the urge to exercise was strong, I still don’t want to bring on a flair so didn’t go to the gym. The good thing is that I’m not completely entrenched in this. Pain would be no deterrent if I was although a flare would put me flat on my back for potentially weeks, defeating the whole purpose. Nevermind. I was passing by the community workout room in my building and thought, “why not pop in and do a little bit of weights.” So yeah, I did some weights, light with reps but still, and leg lifts. Ah well, so much for resolve. Also, the thought floated in that if my weight is not going down, but in fact going up, I wonder if my body fat% is decreasing. That would explain it since muscle weighs more. Ugh, round and round we go. That tends to happen to me because of dense muscles from years of body building. Even though I quit that years ago I still have muscles. I know it is a healthy thing but it does make the number on the scale higher…

My mood has slightly improved without having to add more medication – yay for that!

After that great talk with Zack, we’ve not been in contact. He has his own problems and my current problems are out of his realm of understanding. He doesn’t know I’m not going to meetings but his opinion on the matter is irrelevant. There are online EDA meetings I’d like to try, but haven’t yet. There’s one today at noon…

I mentioned the phone one in a previous post but didn’t do that. I hate the phone. I’m a text person, period. I do have a friend Bryson who calls nearly everyday. He’s so uplifting and positive all the time that it’s hard to talk to him sometimes. He’s going through some really difficult things in his life but still remains on top. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love talking with him but I’m beginning to feel like I’m all negative and he’s all positive and maybe need to just pretend to be doing well, for his sake. Plus, he’s trying to do research to better understand and told me he found pro-ana sites. He asked what Ana stood for, lol!!! But seriously, I told him not to read those sites. I was quite insistent but he was also insistent in understanding. I explained to him that those sites don’t represent most anorexics/eating disorders and also, they are not about the real issues that underly and drive eating disorders. A person who reads lists of tips and views pages of thinspiration simply won’t get it. They will actually get the wrong (and despairing) impression altogether! I don’t think he listened to me. I texted my therapist about a good ED book he could read but haven’t heard back from her. I think I’ll turn him on to the Gurze website. I’m going to give him a copy of the EDA big book for sure. I’m also sending him this article which is actually pretty good: Eating disorders/Dual Diagnosis

And some others in case anyone reading this might want to forward these to friends and family:

Understanding stages of change in the recovery process

Helping someone with an eating disorder

The thing is, nearly all sites and possibly all books are geared toward young people with EDs. There are increasing articles about older people who develop EDs later in life but that doesn’t apply to those of us who have had this for years and years.

I respond so well to EMDR that my therapist mentioned that she is looking into the possibility of using it for ED thoughts and behavior. I’ll definitely update about that! It might be awhile though. I think she said she wouldn’t be able to get info for another week or two and then there’s the holidays.

 

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