After talking with Zack, I realize that if I am going to move forward at least attempting to apply the principles of a 12 step program to my life, I need to find some kind of spirituality that works for me. I know that many of my previous posts mentions god and how I use that word with the meaning a higher power, and that I had a spiritual awakening and all that but the plain fact is that I’ve been an atheist for most, if not all, of my life. I have though spent many years trying to find “something” not knowing what that something is.
I’m thinking that it was a need for some kind of connectedness. I do have a great heart for humanity as a whole, as well as a love of nature. I tried zen, buddhism, paganism, even christianity way back in the days. I’ve tried a non-theistic version of voodoo, yogic spirituality… I can go on. My mom enrolled me in 2 different mystery schools when I was a child: BOTA (builders of the adytum) uses tarot & the qabalah as a vehicle for spiritual awareness and spiritual growth.) and Astara (mystical version of Christianity). I think it was irresponsible on her part to have me study those at such a young age but I know she was only thinking of me and what would benefit my life, just as parents who enroll their children into religious education classes. My opinion, for whatever it’s worth, is that children be taught all aspects of religion, as I’ve listed above, as well as humanism and agnostics. When they are at an age where they can make a decision based on critical thinking, or if they feel drawn to one particular path, they should be allowed to follow that path rather than be forced into the parents chosen religion or belief system. I don’t have children though and perhaps it is a bit more difficult to negotiate that but I’ve seen it done and the children felt so much more empowered.
I googled Natural Spirituality and immediately came upon a website that had classes and retreats for the nominal fee of $4400 dollars. Ummmm, yeah right! There was some other sites that had what I expected from such a search. I then googled Nature Spirituality which brought forth some better options. I love nature, I feel whole when I am in the woods.
Zack and I talked about how I’ve always jumped in with both feet and maybe that was the problem. Perhaps I ought to take a wee bit out of each path and kind of develop a personal spirituality that suits my personality and philosophy.
Hmmm, since linking to the above BOTA site I’ve had another look. I might give that a try again. It sends out weekly (?), or maybe it is monthly lessons. There are questionnaires after each section that are personally evaluated with remarks and recommendations. I like the idea of tarot as a source of growth through symbolism. It is not a divination path but a way to tap into the inner self. I’m actually liking a bit more as I write this. It’s based in California where I used to live, not that it has any relevance except for the fact that I know it is real and not some online hokum.
Okay, I’m going to give that a try. Honestly I don’t like complicated stuff and it seems like sorting through a bunch of spiritual paths is complicated. This seems organized and structured. I like structured. And I really like this philosophy (?), statement of concept (?)… (image at end of post)
I am still struggling. Talked with my therapist who asked me to make a list of all the things bothering me so we can look at each and get some kind of order to the chaos in my head. My food is still not where it ought to be. My weight has not dropped (sadly). She hasn’t accepted my shallow reasons: restricting makes me calmer, calms the chaos in my head… I told her I’m not doing it to gain control. I’m doing it because I want it to control me again. I am tried of working so hard to stay recovered. I simply am exhausted and anorexia is an easier softer path, so to speak. Obviously that is a big fat lie but isn’t that what anorexia does, lie about everything?
The increase in meds hasn’t helped my depression. I’m seeing my psychiatrist this morning and am letting her know. It’s probably just post surgery depression so will have to wait it out. It can’t possibly be exacerbated by restricting…. denial. Maybe the is my life, maybe this is all I can expect.
Zack thinks this is an exciting turn of events since it has forced me to look at the core of my recovery, i.e., identity, core values and so forth. He has no idea the insidious nature of anorexia but does have experience with his own issues. I gave him my copy of the EDA big book and ordered another copy for myself. I asked if maybe we can go in that direction. I thought he wouldn’t want to work with me anymore but it’s the exact opposite. Wow…