Wednesday, Nov 23rd
I have to be honest, I find it extraordinarily humbling, or maybe humiliating, to think that everything I think and feel might be a result of a medication imbalance.
humiliating: causing someone (myself in this case) to feel ashamed and foolish by injuring their (my) dignity and self-respect.
humble/humbling (verb): lower someone in dignity or importance.
I’d like to think my thoughts are my own, no matter what they are. However, many times they aren’t. They are a direct result of being depressed (or manic). What makes it so difficult is that when I’m in the midst of the low, I can’t seem to reason that the thoughts are not my own.
I’ve been binging since my last surgery, 2 weeks now. My weight is going up daily at this point. I mentioned to a few people that I’m binging but they simply don’t understand that binging for me is like hanging around bars for an alcoholic. It really is that dangerous. Last night I had the thought, for the first time in 5 months, that I wanted to purge. I texted my sponsor and went to bed early. I do word puzzles before bed, like cryptograms & fill-ins, that calm my mind. I put on a podcast and went at it till I was too exhausted to stay awake.
- Sunday Zack and Lilly came over and we talked quite a bit about my falling to pieces. He said I was isolating in my head. That means that I can be at a meeting or in a crowd and still be completely alone. He also said I need to get more friends from the program that I can talk to outside of meetings. That night I did share at a meeting and asked, among other things, where’s the compassion in AA? Obviously everyone said, once again, you have to develop alligator skin – whatever that means. They said, at least for them, that compassion means a swift kick in the rear. Someone, after the meeting though, informed me that anesthesia stays on the body for a year and causes depression.
Okay, back to the topic at hand. This morning I went to see my psychiatrist. She agreed to an increase in lamotrogine. The suicidal ideation has continued even though I told my sponsor it was only for that morning. I explained the annoyance of it to my psychiatrist who laughed after. I was saying that sometimes, when I wake up, the thoughts comes, “Maybe I should blow my brains out… or I’ll go make some coffee and have breakfast.” I’m fairly certain only a psych and another bipolar would see the humor in that. Anyway, even if I don’t continue at this dosage I asked her to put it in the computer in case something happens, like last time, and I end up being admitted to the hospital after surgery. She also was helpful in explaining what to do if the staff has problems getting the meds I need: ask for the psych on call. I decided to write myself a note since post-anesthesia brain isn’t always as clear as I’d like to think.
Thursday, Nov 24th
Okay, to continue…
I took the additional meds yesterday when I got home and in a little while had loads of energy. As noted, I think, I had been invited to a thanksgiving dinner by the manager, who is the sweetest person ever. Well, what to wear? Something nice but not dressy, comfy but attractive. “Hey, why don’t I go shopping? I want a long coat anyway. I want black but also have brown boots so how about a long brown and a black coat? Hmm, why not a dress; haven’t worn those in ages and ages… need leggings with them since I have ugly legs… oh, look at that beautiful scarf… and sweaters….” Maybe that should have given me a warning? Maybe I ought to have come right home and taken an anti-psychotic? Sigh. I mean, I do want the coats and didn’t do too much damage. We have a couple of shops: Clothes Mentor and Plato’s Closet, which have upscale used clothes. So the $200.00+ coat was only $35.00 (brown), $22 (black), and both look new. I do have a cute outfit to wear too which will make me more comfortable but yeah, spending. After I got home I ought to have taken the meds but still I didn’t. Why? I forgot!
On the other hand, I did get some things done and made strides on that ridiculously huge afghan I’ve been commissioned to do. <just now went to med cabinet and took a 1/4 tablet> I also went and played cards with the ladies, laughing and having fun. I ate within my caloric range, which I wasn’t planning on, and didn’t binge. My weight normalized down a pound this morning which makes me feel a wee bit better. Only 2 more lbs to be where I was, and comfortable, good. I imagine most people would love being within 2 lbs of normalized weight but for me, anything, more than a lb that is, above it makes me very, very nervous. My head tells me that it will never stop and soon I’ll be obese. I know it is stupid. I’ve been maintaining my weight for a couple of years now but +/- 5 lbs, as is the norm doesn’t work for me. I’m at a +/- 1 lb place.
I really want to post pictures but am still afraid of people finding this blog. There is something about being totally anonymous that frees me to write my innermost fears and thoughts.
I feel really good this morning. I can’t relate to all those terrible, depressive thoughts I had. See, this is exactly what I was talking about. My fear, rightly so, is that the meds are going to cause more uncomfortable mood swings. Instead of reacting and going back to what I was taking like I’ve done in the past, I’ll stay on them and see if I normalize at this level. I see the doctor in 2 weeks so I’ll try to hold out. I may only need a 25mg increase instead of the 50mg increase but I have surgery in a week and want to avoid another long depressive state.
I’m on and off about going to a meeting. I need my energy for the social interaction and everyone at the meeting will be talking about the holiday – boring. I want to go to the gym, which is at the same time. Or, toss both and clean my whole house. I take advantage of when I feel “up” to do this; a wee bit of an advantage especially with fibromyalgia. I don’t know. I have a hard time making a decision when I’m hypomanic since everything I think of seems like a good thing to do (manic brain). Hmm, probably ought to stay away from a meeting till I level out. It’s never a good idea when all I want to do is talk, talk, talk. It’s also hard to express difficulties when my outward appearance is happy and energetic.
- So, clean the house it is.
- Eat normally this morning. Saving calories is never a good thing. What happens is this: I don’t eat the “saved caloric” amount (fear) so end up at a deficit which can potentially cause a binge the next day, or a step toward restriction.
- Keep my hypomanic symptom cheat sheet in front of me to monitor my mood.
- Be willing to take additional antipsychotics if necessary.