The pre-surgery anxiety is hitting me much harder than I anticipated! My one buddy says it’s because it’s the first time I’m doing it sober, i.e., abstinent. Last time I was so overwhelmed I purged 3 days before, than got to meetings to deal with the anxiety for the following 2 days. It’s why I have 4 months, not 5 months of recovery. After 13 surgeries you’d think I was a veteran at this but I never did any of them without some kind of ED mood regulation, whether over exercising, restricting or purging. So yeah, I’m on new ground.
Here’s the issue. I’ve done these 2 surgeries before so know how painful they will be. I have to be awake for the first one. I did them back in March and a partial redo in June. The location of the device isn’t working out so they will be doing a rare procedure to place the generator under an abdominal muscle in front. Goodbye flat stomach! So Stage 1 (Nov 9th) will be placement of the lead. It’s a wire that connects the device to the sacral nerve. But because it’s in front I’ll have to flip around on the operating table so they can wrap it from back to front. Oh joy. Being in there awake is bad enough (from trauma triggers) but knowing the pain, plus the chaos of unknowns doesn’t make it easier. Stage 2, normally a week later but because of a scheduling issue will be 2 weeks (Nov 23rd), will be the permanent implantation if the testing period is successful. So for 2 weeks I won’t be able to bend, twist, pick anything up or yeah, shower. Last time I had to figure out how to wash my hair standing up. 😳 Can’t bend forward for the sink, remember? Anyway, I can deal with that part.
It’s actually an okay time since I can settle in to winter and heal. The hope is I heal enough before it snows that I’ll be able to deal with that stuff. Wow, I’m already thinking about snow. It does come early sometimes and always lasts for months. This week I’m getting my snow tires put on so it’s one less thing to deal with.
Okay, back to the anxiety. I decided to share at the meetings about it. It’s like a steam valve release so it doesn’t keep building up day after day. I’m involved with a lot of service work so that’s also good for a distraction. I was commissioned to crochet some blankets so that’ll keep me busy and have a set schedule from day to day. In other words, I just have to bear with it and do my best.
I have lots of support, something I’m not used to, and a plan. But the fear is still there in full force, rational or not. 9 more days to go….. 😐