I wasn’t going to share this morning at the meeting but I was called on because there was a brand-new person so I shared. I think I did a good job, at least by people’s reaction it seemed like I did a good job but who knows. I seriously don’t even remember what I said. What I do know is just how much I beat myself up afterwords with the baseball bat of all baseball bats. I can’t stand it!
I happen to bump into a woman who has over 40 years of recovery after the meeting. She’s very nice. I met her at the meeting I go to on Thursday night and always feel perfectly comfortable around her even though we’ve never really talked. So I asked if she had a few minutes, and she did. We went into a separate room and I just let it all out. I told her how I just beat myself up all the time after I share, how terrified I am of what other people think of me, how much I doubt myself. I told her how I pray at the beginning of each meeting whether I should share or just listen and if I share that I only share what my higher power wants me to. And then if I feel compelled to share, I share, but then proceed to beat myself up afterwards. The only thing familiar to me is feeling bad about myself. I simply don’t know how to feel good about myself.
She was so understanding and talked about how she struggled with this for years. Then she brought up about the inner child and how we need to re-parent that inner child. It’s funny because that’s exactly what my therapist wants to start working on with me as well. The thing is, as soon as she mentioned inner child I just welled up with tears. It’s like I just don’t want to acknowledge that part of myself because I’ve spent my entire life beating that little girl up, pushing that part of me away, doing everything I could to avoid acknowledging that part of me that was so damaged. That kind of pain goes so deep.
Tonight was a good meeting too but I couldn’t even share. I just had to pass which kind of shocked everybody. It’s a small group, I love my Sunday group, and I always share; but not tonight. I felt so many things going on inside of me that I just couldn’t articulate anything without just busting out, crying and probably babbling. Amongst other things my sponsors father just died this morning. Whenever there’s a death in the family of a close friend I always feel so affected. It’s as if it was a death in my own family even if I didn’t know that person. I don’t get it. Maybe I never really dealt with the deaths in my own family’s past. Who knows?
On top of all this is the pre-surgery anxiety that I go through every time I go through this. It gets worse and worse as the day gets closer. It’s 2 1/2 weeks away and I can’t imagine dealing with the level of anxiety that I’m having right now. In my head I know everything is going to be okay but I still react terribly. I’ve been told it’s because I’ve had so many surgeries, which makes sense. I’ve also been told that this is my first surgery while being completely abstinent so obviously it’s going to be more uncomfortable than normal. That makes sense to, but it doesn’t make it any better.
If I have too many things that are overwhelming me I just can’t take it. I can’t handle that much stress or that much anxiety at any given time. People in the program tell me Let Go Let God which is a reasonable thing to say except the fact that I’m not really skilled in that department so I can pray, and then I can pray again, but the anxiety still remains.
The word that has been coming up the most for me is perseverance. What a great opportunity to learn to persevere…. persevere……… persevere………….