Humbled

I spent most of my life hating my body and now that I’m finally getting to the place of body acceptance my body has turned on me and could possibly be interpreted as hating me. Karma? Well, who knows. In truth, everyday is a potential challenge to live in this vehicle. 

I find it kind of amusing, or maybe ironic, that of all things my higher power is using my physical body to humble me. 

At the gym 

As mentioned I’ve been working with a trainer but because of years of body building when I was able-bodied it’s hard for an outside observer to realize my body simply isn’t responding like normal folks. Yes, I can push weights but I don’t recover. There are some exercises I end up paying a price for. Case in point. Last Friday we worked on pulling strength training exercises. Well, turns out they nearly all pull my neck which is in bad shape and isn’t going to get better. Saturday I ended up in extreme pain, so much so that I couldn’t even crochet. I couldn’t go to a meeting, I couldn’t do anything but wait for it to pass. 

Every morning I wake up in a lot of pain. The only thing that works is to get on the treadmill and walk it out. However, the generator implant is causing more and more pain the more I walk. Yay…. 😳😔 So I walk what I can, sometimes only 15 minutes, then live in pain when I walk and sit. 

Sangha practice 

I am now at my meditation practice and got permission to sit outside the zendo area since I can’t sit still. Sitting still causes progressively more pain. Right now my neck is having spasms. I’m not actually doing zazen  because I’m spending the time figuring out how to do it with this broken body of mine. Humbling. 

I’m also ruled by fear: fear of disapproval is a big one so having to be different, weaker, set apart is extraordinarily difficult for me. I spent most of the early evening in tears for fear of what others might think but it turned out everyone was great. 

The thing is, I’ll never get better in the sense of being even remotely like I used to be. I will have good days and bad days but all of them will need adjustments. 

At some point tonight I realized that this is an opportunity. If everything was okay, how would I see if there was any growth? Having so many issues gives ample opportunities to reach milestones of growth. So yeah, maybe having emotional meltdowns on a regular basis isn’t a bad thing. Well, it’s something. 

I guess sometimes my perpetual optimist pokes out. 😊

Any thoughts?

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