letter to the past #3

Dear J,

You know what? You’re a bastard! You may have been worse than O in making superfluous remarks and promises of a lifetime friendship, blah, blah, blah… really? I even told you that friendships change over time and when there are location changes, it’s natural for friendships split off in different directions but no, you insisted many times that we would be fast friends for life.

I chalked it up to being so young, 22 at the time, but it didn’t hurt any less when you simply walked out and never showed up again without any reason, no phone call, no text, nothing.

Now that I think back you were utterly affronted and offended when I opened up about being an atheist. Turns out I’m not anymore… too bad you didn’t stick around to watch my growth and only wanted to expound your own philosophy, growth and aspirations to change the world. Did it ever occur to you that you are a part of the human race and maybe, just maybe not gifted with supernatural wisdom and your immeasurable ability to empathize with people, to the point of pain, because you could read their minds? Sigh, maybe you were delusional but I suspect that you were hiding behind a very strong persona in order to deal with the tragedies of your past. I understand that completely.

I listened to you and was actually honored to watch your journey and growth. I love have young friends; seeing how their lives unfold and grow. It is like watching history in the making. The fact that you only wanted to talk about yourself was okay at the time, as with O, because I had such deep rooted lack of feelings of self-worth. However, over time it did start to get annoying. I also had the litany of excuses for not coming over. It occurs to me that maybe you guys thought that since I was retired I had all the time in the world.

Maybe what I shared hurt even more because you thought of me as a mentor of sorts. I was tired of pretending to be someone that I wasn’t. I own that and realize that sometimes it’s better to remain silent about things especially if they will cause pain in others. I am more cautious now. Because we had so many amazing philosophical discussions it simply didn’t occur to me that you’d be offended by this.

Now that I write about this I can see the probability that it was that moment of time that changed the relationship. Still… I was at a very vulnerable time in my life and being abandoned by the last 2 friends I had, hurt beyond measure. I did have friendships after that but my heart wasn’t in it anymore.

I’ve heard you moved to Florida; I’m happy for you. Your mom is down that and I know how much you love her. I hope that life treats you gently and that you have an opportunity to face those things that cause you so much pain.

Be well, Lexy

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