letter to the past #2

Dear T,

I really tried to develop a friendship with you. You were the first person who approached me to welcome me to the new neighborhood I had moved to. We got along well for the most part. You were busy but we managed to find time to hang out, however, it because clear that it could only be at your convenience and only at your home or in your front yard. That was a little confusing because we lived like 12 feet from each other but okay. You did mention that you were allergic to cats so I gave you that but never sit on my patio? You did love my patio furniture but you would rather sit on your chairs so I came over to your area. It did bother me a little after years of being used by O but I knew you were busy and had a teen boy to take care of.

Thinking about it though, I didn’t have a cat for quite sometime when I loved in and eventually gave him away so the cat allergy didn’t seem to be a very good excuse. The thing is, I probably would have been fine with the situation except, like O, the continual promises to come over, to help out and to be a support like when I wasn’t feeling well due to surgeries, etc. Well, you did come to the hospital one time and I’m very grateful for that. I hate to say it though that 1 visit to the hospital after 3 years of never showing up…

You loved getting cookies from me and asking me to make stuff for you for your boyfriends children, and did give me lovely thank you notes. I was happy to do that but after awhile I started feeling used again. I discounted it as left over feelings from my already mentioned past situation. I mean, you did attempt to make me some food for outdoor parties although it was impossible due to dietary restraints. I was also super grateful that you took most of my furniture when I was downsizing. I was also grateful that you actually listened to my wishes that I didn’t want material gifts, like when I finally moved away from there. I said that something like tea would be a wonderful gift. I knew you were a gift giver so that gave you a chance to get me something and you did – wonderful peppermint tea that I would not have gotten myself.

Later, I understood you had multiple jobs and therefore no time. I did suggest that maybe we could do a quick coffee in the morning, at you place of course, just to catch up. I was trying to make an effort because this was something you wanted to do.

When I shared I was moving, we both wanted to continue the friendship. We both understood that generally when one moves, all friendships end. So we continued to text periodically but you never came over and haven’t yet. I’ve lived here for going on 9 months. In the interim you moved too. I was so happy for you because you hated that place. You wanting me to come see your place which I gladly agreed to, even though that developing resentment stayed in the back of my mind that it was starting all over again, a one way friendship. I even offered to crochet you some new washclothes to match you new place, then hated myself for that.

Since you really were excited and wanted me to come over I made many efforts to work around your schedule but it never panned out. I suppose a part of that is my fault because I go to meetings at night but you don’t know that because you never came over nor wanted to talk about what was happening in my life.

What really keeps this hurt moving forward is the every other month text to ask how my life is going. Are you really interested or is it an excuse to talk about what is going on in your life. I regret not ending the friendship when I moved. I knew this was a risk and based on your past behavior, much of which I didn’t write here, that it would turn out the same.

I naively hoped you might come over when I was recovering from surgery, silly me. The truth is you were too busy. You have demanding jobs, a demanding son, etc, but would it have taken anytime to maybe stop by and bring flowers or something. You didn’t even have to stay but that gesture would have meant the world to me. At this point any gesture means so much because of a life time of people simply not showing up. Worse still I forever feel guilty like it is always my fault. I was loath to acknowledge that other people had responsibility in this too. Not anymore. Now I recognize that this is killing me inside. It is inhibiting further growth. All these little hurts are adding up to one great big resentment.

Do I talk to you about this? What if I do then you come over. Will you then come over out of guilt. Will I keep hearing more text excuses? Or maybe, like O, your feelings will be hurt and that will be that. Whatever the case, I need to forgive you, I need to let this go and accept that if this continues, it will be a long distance occassional text friendship.  I haven’t decided on the washclothes. You did get me that peppermint tea. Would I be giving them to you out of obligation or love? I’m sure it would be the former at this point. I think I should unfriend you on FB because every time I see your picture it adds to the hurt.

T, I wish you the best. I’m glad your life is finally going in the direction you want it to. You seem happy.

I do, honestly, wish you all the best, Lexy

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