letter to the past #1

Dear O…

I’m so pissed off at you. You’re not even in my life anymore and yet you still invade my mind with your actions. Working the 12 steps I tried to look at my part and yeah, I’m sure I played a part in the end most likely from all the pain, confusion and hurt created in the friendship from the start. We were besties and got along like long lost sisters. We spent loads of time together and really helped in making each of our lives bearable to a certain extent, both of us having our own burdens to bear.

I was in therapy though and by the nature of therapy I started to grow and heal. As I started to develop a little self-esteem my view of life changed slightly, little by little… as  happens over the course of time. I started noticing small things like the fact that I always went to your house and the only time, in years, that you came to mine was to collect presents (1 time) and say goodbye to my cat. So yeah, twice. Okay, you had kids… In the early days your car wasn’t on the road but then it was. Eventually you even got a newer car. You met someone online and got married and had another kid. Your back hurt, you had a migraine… And yet, you always managed to go to various peoples houses to get pain pills off of them because you’d used yours up before the end of the script. It kind of confused me but okay, I went with it. I buried those little hurts figuring I’m not perfect and I ought to be grateful that you were even willing to be friends with me.

Before you got your car on the road I was the one you called and asked for rides which I gladly did; we were sisters after all. Gas money? Okay, so you were struggling so I let that go too. And yet, you always had money to buy cigarettes which were 10 to 12 dollars a pack at that time.

You asked to borrow a large sum of money so I did that for you even though I didn’t really have the money myself. I figured I had slightly more than you. Unfortunately I had to harass you to get repaid. It confused me why you wouldn’t want to honor our friendship by paying me back. You offered excuse after excuse until I made an ultimatum and only then did I get my money. I will never lend to a friend again because of that.

I started to feel like… no wait, I started to admit what I’ve felt all along, that my only worth as a friend is in what I could do for you. When I began to say no to giving you a ride, I heard less from you. When I tried to arrange getting together based on my schedule it never happened. When I moved, you never came over, ever. I lived less then 10 miles from where I lived before. It was maybe a 12 minute drive from your house, as opposed to 5 minutes. I kept trying. I finally stopped coming over because I couldn’t stand the way you screamed and yelled at your kids and then told me all their faults right in front of them. It hurt deeply when I saw the tragic pain in your sons eyes. I couldn’t come over and watch you feed french fries to your baby who just started eating. I couldn’t come over and have one more one-way conversation.

I remember trying to have a serious discussion about some of this but according to you all of this was my fault. “I didn’t understand what you were going through” you said. Wow. I remember sharing about my eating disorder and asking for your support and you jokingly telling me to throw up whenever I ate, if I mentioned feeling uncomfortably full.

You did help me actually with restraining myself on verbalizing my body image issues, I’ll give you that. When your 5 year old son asked you why you never asked him if you looked fat, that was it. Your continual fat phobia made an impact on everyone around you and showed me how ugly it is to talk like that. Yes, I still struggle with body image but I keep that to therapy rooms and when I’m working with my sponsor.

Maybe the most hurtful thing was an experiment I did. One year I decided to not call anyone on christmas just to see. I’m always the one who calls or shows up or whatever. I had this idea that if something is important to a friend, I wanted to honor that but showing up in their lives for those things, and the little things too. That was the loneliest day I had. Not one person called or texted or emailed or even facebooked. It wasn’t just you, it was D too. We were the 3 musketeers but I changed, I was less sick than I was.

The resentment I have of you for being used for years and years runs deep and I don’t know how I will heal from that. It is clouding my judgement with other similar situations but this one, this hurt from you, goes to my core. I think you were the first friend I had that I could say that I really loved. I can’t even say your name without grimacing with pain and anger inside.

How am I going to forgive you? How am I going to let this go?

I am friends with V who is also one of your friends and you know what? She is so respectful of me as a friend that she simple never mentions you, ever. She doesn’t even say she was at an event and there were “people” there of whom she won’t name. That would be the same thing as naming them. I’m so grateful for her friendship. I now have people in my life who are teaching me what a real friendship is by their example, their actions, and their words.

A part of me really hopes you are healing and your life is ever improving. I know you own your own business now and are doing something you love. I also know you threw out your 4th husband because he was too nice so you have your own hurts to contend with. Even so, I hope that you are healing on the inside. I hope you are finding happiness in whatever situation and circumstances you find yourself in. I hope your sons turn out okay and you live long enough to have grandchildren because I know that would just blow your socks off with happiness.

I thought of writing an amends letter but what did I do to you? I left, that is what I did. I remember calling a couple years after I had moved and expressed my pain and hurt that you never came over, never made time for me. I also explained to you that I understood your excuses and yes, they were all really good reasons, but at some point…

…so that was that.

To a sister that once was and is no more, Lexy

 

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