I didn’t mentioned that in order to go to the zazenkai I had to ask for finaincial help, or at least have some sort of service I could do to offset the cost. Ugh, this took a few weeks to accomplish, not because people were unwilling to help, bu rather because:
- I didn’t actually ask for help.
- I made a decision to not go simply because of money.
- My friend had to tell me over and over and over that the group has more than enough money to offer assistance.
- I had to push down that guilt from asking.
This last one is why I’m writing this today. I was looking at that to see what the root of it might be. I avoid asking for finaincial help at all cost. And when I do I am racked with guilt, and maybe even shame. My immediate thought was that perhaps it’s pride but I soon realized that, no, it is much deeper than that. I looked into my past to see if there was some traumatic experience I went through and no, there wasn’t, at least not directly. Did I ever actually borrow money and not pay it back, or something to that effect?
- I borrowed money from my dad, only once, beause I was desperate to move out of Cathy’s house and get into a more sane environment. I paid that back as fast as I could. There is nothing like money issues between family members to make things difficult. My dad hesitated at first, with good reason, but did help me out. My paying him back quickly kept us from any tension.
- Way before that, when I ended up homeless and then in jail due to drugs, my debt was out of control. This was partially because I was stealing from myself and partially because the guy who lied and got me incarcerated stole my credit card and spent money like crazy. How did I steal from myself? Back then ATMs were not digitized like they are now. I was able to go from terminal to terminal at night and get more money out than I actually had. Thankfully that has been fixed! After I got out I couldn’t understand why the bank did not forgive the expenditure from when I was in jail. It took years for me to realize their position: a young girl just out of jail making excuses, possibly lying (in their eyes) for money spent. I paid all that back through a payment plan.
- During my disability battles I ended up in a lot of debt because I was trying to make it from day to day. I paid all that back as well. I told the credit card company that I didn’t want to declare bankrupsy because the spending was my responsibility. So glad I made that decision!
- Manic spending put me in debt regularly; anyone with bipolar 1 knows that. I always paid it back. I was actually debt free, except my car payment, at one point. Yes, I’ve got quite a debt now and it produces much anxiety but I plan to pay this back too. Thanks to creditkarma.com I can have an end date which is always helpful to see. Instead of my brain interpreting my payments as a never ending burden, I can see the end. Right now I am still using the card for medical appointments so that website doesn’t help too much but I soon hope to be ahead. Buying snow tires set me back even more but that was a necessity and far cheaper than buying an SUV which is a far more appropriate vehicle in snow country.
So reviewing this, I’ve been a responsible person despite lots of irresponsible behavior from addictions and mental illness. By the way, in the past I looked into having support for handling my money due to bipolar but those options are only for lower functioning people. It has forced me to become responsible so that’s been the good side of this situation.
My mom however was tragically horrible with money. I don’t think it was just that she was had undiagnosed, unmedicated bipolar. Her head was so far in the clouds she simply had no common sense. Money was always an issue growing up, always. I’m thinking that made a huge impack on me, especially seeing how people reacted to her.
Or maybe it was what happened when I lent money to some friends who either never paid it back or only paid it back after lots of nagging. It was a deep resentment that… hmmm, maybe I never dealt with that! Yeah, I think I need to look at that.
This has been useful since I couldn’t even start writing a financial inventory, something Zack suggested, till I got these thoughts out of my head. That is why I love this blog, I am able to write stuff down clearly that is unclear in my thinking.
Well, thanks for listening.