It’s a start

Got up and got to the gym miraculously. I’m in a good deal of pain and a good deal less of motivation in the wee morning hours. The pain has been decreased to manageable by taking Tylenol and an arthritis med before bed. I think that, plus 20mg melatonin has been the combination that has given me that extra hour of sleep. I’ll take any additional sleep increase I can  get! 

At my 10am meeting someone brought up his frustration with the fact that his wife wouldn’t talk to him even though he’s been sober for 4 months. He couldn’t understand how she could t focus on the good parts of their marriage rather than the bad. He was genuinely baffled. Another guy said his daughter didn’t talk to him for 12 years and doesn’t ever plan on it. So I had to share from the other side. I talked about my mom. I said that because of the deep seated pain I had from her emotional abuse, I had to cut off all communication from her. My doctors leaned on me to do that because I was so suicidal and cutting like a madness driven  woman. I spent many years in therapy and finally got to the point where I could actually see the good things she did for me but before that point, the pain was so deep that I couldn’t even think of anything else. I eventually tried to get ahold of her again but she’s delusional so that didn’t happen. When I say delusional what I mean is she had an untreated mental illness. She would write letters in her head and sometimes think she sent them. She also believed that the cancer she eventually got was just a lesson for the universe to teach her compassion. She thought it would just go away. Well it did, when she died. The thing is, I was finally able to have a conversation with her over the phone. (I was in NY and she in CA). I thanked her for all the good things that she did and the good aspects of my character she gave me. I listed them all. I could hear the sign of relieve from her. She was guilt ridden and thought she had destroyed my life. She contributed to my misery, sure, but once I became an adult I pretty much was the one doing the destruction. 

I hope that what I shared helped both of those people understand a little better that perhaps they have to allow those people they hurt to have their own journeys to healing. Some others shared about their own delusional thinking that they were good people, never seeing the wreckage left in their wake. 

Good meeting…

Came home, took care of stuff, and didn’t take care of other stuff. Too tired. 

Then went to an evening meeting which was also good. Although last week at this particular meeting I assumed one of the guys girlfriend was drunk and had passed out on the table but seeing her this week I think, actually I’m fairly certain, that she really does have 6 months but is all whacked out on psychotropic medication. She mentioned this time that she has mental problems then passed out again. I feel bad about assuming right off that she came to the meeting drunk. I did smell alcohol (last week) so perhaps it was someone else. But then, if she drank while using psychotropic meds, that would definitely cause a person to fall asleep as hard as she has. 

I’m beat, need some sleep. I enjoyed working with the trainer this morning but will have to write about my ongoing exercise experiment in another post when I’m not falling asleep. 

One thought on “It’s a start

  1. Thank you for sharing. I haven’t talked to my mom since 1997. She is a psychopath. She’s lethal and toxic and I can’t have anything to do with her. Of course this knowledge doesn’t make our not contact any easier. I would love to have a mom in my life, specially one that loves me. But, it is what it is.

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