Alright, this blog is meant for writing everyday and here I am not writing. I just had a long talk with my sponsor who asked if I was doing my daily inventory (step 10). “Nope…” (Insert various excuses). Maybe that’s why I feel like crap? I’ve been binging the last 5 days so thought I better tell him and get a grip. Okay, a binge, first of all, means that I eat off my meal plan and maybe go over by a couple hundred calories. It isn’t like 1000s of calories or anything. Basically if I eat a bag of chips fast, that’s a binge. If I eat them slow, that’s not a binge. Okay, that’s been established.
So what’s going on? I think my therapy appointment topic is coming back to haunt me. I believe I mentioned that she is taking time off for her brand new grandkids. Then she has to take time off for something else. I may not see her till October! That wouldn’t be so bad except for that intense EMDR session that left me so raw. No processing. My sponsor suggested I do some processing on my own but it’s just too deep so no. But the thing I can be doing is writing down my daily fears, annoyances and so forth. Perhaps I wouldn’t feel so overwhelmed. He also suggested that I not wait more than 3 days to talk with him. It’s been a full week, hmmm, yeah okay.
I’m sleeping longer (6-7 hrs) but I’m even more exhausted than I was. I’ve fallen back out of the habit of doing things just for today. The trauma was decades ago and the anxiety that this is my new normal, meaning feeling like crap, is just fear of the future. Everything comes back to fear, doesn’t it. Well, it does for me.
Angry? Covering up fear. Anxious? Fear of the future. Depressed? Fear of the past. Plus fear of people, economic insecurities, etc. Misery is made from living in a What-if world.
I finally went to the gym, after missing 4 days due to pain and fatigue. At this mornings meeting was someone there for the first time ever. I was picked to share first. I hate being picked first. I said what I did and spent the rest of the meeting trying not to beat myself up for what I did say. I’m fairly certain everyone was busy thinking of what they were going to say so I ought not have worried but both Zack & Lilly were there since today is a holiday. Afterward I came home and spent the day cooking rice and crocheting and feeling like crapola. Tonight was a big book study. I was praying the whole time I wouldn’t be called on and I wasn’t Thank Goodness! I just didn’t have anything in me. I’m feeling disconnected which is not a good thing. That is the first step to a relapse – disconnectedness. So fortunately Zack was there and we spent an hour after the meeting talking. And now I’m writing this and will hopefully get some decent sleep.
So with that, I’m off to bed.