Okay, so I’m not gay or straight or anything in between. I am, if you really need a label, an asexual. When I was young I had boyfriends and such because I felt unloved, didn’t know there was any other option, and sex was the only way I thought anyone would care about me. I didn’t know how to have friends, nor did I have boundaries, like any boundaries. So I did what was socially acceptable at the time. Well, I hated men. Okay, I didn’t hate them exactly but hated any man who thought of me anymore than a colleague or casual friend.
Years and horribleness pass….
I met a woman and thought everything would be different. It was in the Air Force and she seemed great, that is, until her girlfriend came home from a mission. Hmmm, what a surprise. But, having the label as a lesbian seemed so much better and safer than straight, convincing myself that it was the very truth about me. Safety, as mentioned in past posts, is all important motivation in my life.
Years and more horribleness pass….
Turns out women can be as bad as guys so no more women. It was a little while after that, and many hours of counseling later, that I finally realized I hate romantic relationships and feel way worse when I’m in them. I dumped or trashed anyone having sex with me because that very act made them an assaulter in my emotionally broken brain. No relationships = no sex = perfect. I felt much safer and also settled. I don’t get along with people in that way, period. And more importantly I have no inclination in that directions.
These days I get all I need as far as intimacy from friendships. Most people don’t get it so I don’t bring it up, or quickly drop the subject if it does come up. Things I used to hear all the time:
- You just haven’t met the right person yet.
- Keep your options open because you never know.
- Aren’t you lonely?
On and on and on. I’ve learned to stop conversations before those things come up so I’ve actually forgotten some of the annoying questions thank goodness. 1. I’m not looking for a right person, 2. I do know, and 3. no, I don’t get lonely.
Anyway, I wanted to preface this post with that information.
Having done my 4th step resentment inventory one thing that came up was my resentment at the local lesbian community. Because I don’t fit any stereotype I was shunned, looked down upon at various places. I didn’t fit the mold and many in the community never let me forget that. I had this one friend who’s ex was so vindictive, and also worked at the DMV, that she broke into my personal file and told me all my diagnosis, my mental illness status, my record, and many many other things that would have destroyed me had that stuff got out in public. She used that info to threaten me. I remember printing that email with all the headers just in case I would ever need to go to the police but because everything she listed was the truth, no doubt the police would disregard anything I had to say.
Some of it must have got out because I’ll never forget this phone conversation I had with a woman from the lesbian book club. She was like you’re this and this and this. One of those was true and the others were blatant lies but she had standing in the community so who was I against her word, truth or not.
Stuff like this happened regularly. It’s a very small community around here… well, maybe not really small but very tight. I was accused of a lot of untrue things because of not fitting the mold, and it hurt, a lot. I simply wanted a community, I wanted to be liked and accepted. I wasn’t accepted even by fringe groups. I didn’t fit in anywhere, ever. So I dumped that label and community. They didn’t know it but they were partly right – I am not a lesbian. But it was not for them to judge me, period. I simply didn’t know who i was and didn’t have the maturity to know that I’m not a sexual being in any way. Well, what’s done is done.
So why bring this up now?
Whenever I hear someone share that they are a lesbian, like at a speaker meeting or just sharing in the context of the discussion, I flinch inside. I feel like someone will recognize me and the belittling and cruelty will begin and again. I finally found a group I do fit in with: alcoholics anonymous. What that false rumor spread by the gay community finds me and starts spreading lies again. I don’t think I can take losing yet another community. Chances are rather high I will be bumping into people from the community for a good long while since a rather large portion of the lesbian community specifically are drunks. You know, even when I went to a bar they looked down on my for what I ordered. Couldn’t win for losing.
What to do?
Talk to my sponsor I guess. Do I still have a resentment or is it just fear? I think it’s the latter. I feel I have to do something more than just pray. I was thinking of talking to the one new AA friend I have who, it turns out, is gay. She was a speaker last Friday night and I got to hear her story, which is how I found out. Perhaps I could talk to her, in lieu of the community. Perhaps by sharing with her I came make it right with the community, albeit, in spirit. I hate walking around being afraid I’m going to bump in to people. Unfortunately I’ve never not been recognized. I seem to have one of those faces or something that people remember.
Obviously this will be continued, hopefully soon and in a small summation!