Pain & Hope

Thursday already, wow… time does seem to trudge along despite my schedule!

Monday –

I’ve become very close to my nutritionists secretary/mom. She’s an absolutely wonderful person. I’ve known her for years now and we have gotten to know each other fairly well. She got lung cancer 6 months ago and had never been sick, let alone had surgery. At her age that is amazing; the not being sick part that is. I talked with her extensively about preparing for surgery and for afterward. I also helped her through the transition of feeling like a bother to feeling grateful to have her daughter willing and able to take time off to go with her to all her appointments and such. She had a 9cm mass and took part of one lung.

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At her 6 month biopsy, last week, they found a 1cm mass in her other lung and is having surgery next week. I walked out of there feeling an emotion I don’t think I’ve ever experienced. I was so overwhelmed with grief, because lung cancer has a small percentage of survivability, empathy of what she is facing, gratitude for being able to be one of her supports, love for her as a person, etc… all at one time! 1omg2

I’ve spent pretty much all my life being an numb as possible so really, this is the first time I’ve actually felt the full impact of a situation like this. I mean, I grieved pets but humans? Not really. I felt to some extent but again, numb, so it was always muted. I even questioned my ability to feel these types of emotions, on several occasions never connecting being anorexic with muted feelings. Huh, what do you know, it worked even though i thought it stopped working long ago.

As difficult as feeling that was, I’m glad to be experiencing it. It’s an honest and clean feeling. And, it didn’t last. I was able to feel it fully, transition to feeling grateful for our time together both in the past as well as continuing for as long as she is well. She is going on a specially developped medication afterward so who knows, maybe she will survive it!

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I remember when my baby brother was killed. He was 7 years old. Did I grieve? Nope, I went completely numb in my alcoholic and drug frenzy then escaped by joining the military. It was only recently when I was working step 4 – 9 that I was to face my guilt and work through it, 40 years later.

Tuesday –

I saw my pain psych and she explained that I could be having an extended fibro flair. Apparently they can last for months sometimes. I’m still doing too much, especially with having a new kitten in the home, but that was good news. “Good news???” you ask. Yes, good news. It means that what I’m feeling now isn’t my new normal. It means that at some point it will lift and I’ll feel better. For now though I have to trudge through my life, exhausted and in pain all the time. It’s not easy but it is doable. I didn’t make it to the gym today but maybe I need the rest. The gym helps but resting is imperative so finding that balance is a neccesity right now. Figuring that out though seems impossible. It’ll happen, I just have to be patient. One of my person vows is:

I vow to be patient and loving to myself especially when pain and suffering are present.

Suffering…

When I say that I’m suffering it is not in the sense of being miserable. My body is suffering and so it effects my mood which in turn effects my irratability and so forth. But under it all I’m fine, under it all I still feel a sense of peace and contentedness. I’m not suffering in my spirit. I still laugh at jokes and have fun with other people.

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Wednesday –

I took Mikko in for her first check up. She’s good, yay.

Saw my psychiatrist – continue as is.

Today –

I have 2 meetings and intend to take the rest of the day off. I have tidying up to do, need to spend time with Mikko and get writing done. I’ve been working on a letter for weeks now. I want to get it sent off.

I’m exhausted. Every part of my body hurts when I move but I don’t have a headache and those are the one thing I have difficulty handling. I’m feeling good otherwise. I’ll write a different post for my 10th step work – new resentments to deal with and character defects, etc. It’s so useful writing because I can take them out of myself, look at them and usually find a solution.

Back to my letter writing…  Nuvola_apps_korganizer.svg

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