Sunday night –
I’m sitting here before the meeting having just made coffee. I know people will be here any minute but am hoping to get this done in time. I’m so tired. Actually I think I’m down in a bit of a depression and rather wish I had put extra Lamotrogine in my car for just such a moment. Basically the way I can tell I’m not just tired is that I feel completely disconnected from everyone and everything. All motivation for doing anything whether recovery or anything else just drains away.
Monday, having never finished post, obviously –
Wow, glad I pulled this up this morning. I completely forgot about taking additional medication so just did. I don’t often do that since I have to be sure if it is depression or simply fatigue. Another thing is that I feel disconnected from AA all of a sudden. It seems like it was because of missing a meeting Saturday night, which turned out to be a fantastic meeting according to J, ah well; I felt I needed to bond with Mikko.
One of the biggest things that came out of looking at the pattern of character defects over the course of my life is self-pity. Well, as much as I’d like that to magically disappear it’s obvious I will have to be diligent at recognizing it and setting it aside when it comes. Depression is like a spring board to self-pity. “Oh woe is me for having all these problems, for having to work so hard each day to maintain serenity or at least a sense of settledness. Oh woe is me for having such a hard life….” on and on and on, sometimes consciously, sometimes not. Seriously? I have everything I need, a virtual wealth of material goods in the sense of having a place to live, a car to drive, food to eat, clothes to wear. I used to think wealth meant living in a mansion, having loads of money, traveling, etc but no, wealth is about quality of life. One can have nothing but if they have a joy of life, isn’t that wealth?
Wealth, as defined in the US, is specifically about the affluent, based on monetary status. I’d rather define is as it originally was used, as mentioned in the wiki page on wealth:
An individual, community, region or country that possesses an abundance of such possessions or resources to the benefit of the common good is known as wealthy.
“Benefit the common good…” Quite a “wealth” of philosophical ideas worthy of discussion, I’d say. Going back to affluence. No, I’m not rich, no I don’t even have a fall back resource, having to live month to month. Compared to many millions, perhaps billions of people though I’d be considered affluent, wouldn’t I?
So, how can I possibly sit in a pool of self-pity??
It’s simply a bad habit and perhaps a coping mechanism from years of abuse and hardship not having tools to deal with life, or even knowing how to live life. Many years of therapy has helped me to become a good communicator but knowing how to talk doesn’t mean knowing how to live. Yesterday morning as I was whining about not liking the meeting I was at, I felt just like a 5 year old being, as a friend at last nights meeting so endearing put it, a piss pot. Yeppers, time to grow up. The meeting turns out good, figures. I went out to lunch with J too although sometimes I feel like she is being patient with me, which I hate. But that is, once again, my mis-mindreading people, another habitual behavior. Now that was a coping mechanism from ways back. I simply didn’t know how to be with people so I would watch their faces and reactions to figure out how I ought to be. The hardest was always people with a poker face and minimal reactions. I simply didn’t know what to do or how to be. I didn’t have a sense of self to draw from or any self-esteem, or perhaps that ought to be self-worth, from which to pull from.
Okay, so today. I see my nutritionist in an hour and a half to have my body fat % checked to see how this past 2 weeks of workouts and eating has been going. That’ll determine the next 2 weeks plan of action with regards to that. This morning is one of my workout mornings however working out effects that test. I hope I have the energy to do it later. I also have an additional dental appointment since one of my crowns fell out, right after the last one got put in. Oh fun. However, my dentist is great! We are friends on Facebook and he plans on giving me a few rides on his motorcycle before the season turns cold. He’s super fun and most importantly is will to do dental work on me without anesthesia. Yes, I have to do that for major work but unless it’s a root canal, I go without. I have a terrible phobia about those needles. Who knows where that came from…
Okay, I’m off and running like a herd of turtles…