workout, fears and frustrations

Training Update

Yesterday was quite taxing to be sure. I did do the personal training and got a plan set up as well as an appointment with him to continue working on core. I also added a time to work on balance. People, in general, begin losing their balance as they age so might as well get going on that. Because we went over my entire program I was in significant pain. My back was still sore from the previous days spasms but had calmed ever so slgihtly. On Monday & Thursday I’ll be focused on pulling strength exercises: back and biceps. Tues and Weds will be pushing: chest, shoulders, and tris. I’ve been doing the same routine at home for 3 years so I have very under developped as well as fully developped muscles, ergo, unbalanced. I’ll work on core exercises only 3 days per week. He also looked at my alignment on cardio machines and which cardio machines on which days. For example, rowing machine only on non back/bicep days.

With cardio, I will be doing short periods of time on each machine, like 10 minutes. The pain doctor said any repetitive exercise is problematic. Also, being a power walker, my trainer showed how that is pounding my back. I have to slow down and put on the incline, which I dislike, so it’ll be less vibration rebouncing into my back and neck.

This is why I decided to go back to a trainer even though I can’t afford it.

I’m aware if I develop more lean muscle mass I will probably have to eat more to support that. I am willing at this point but fully aware that it will not be easy.

I was in so much pain yesterday (7-9 out of 10) that I was sticking to using my walker even when going to meetings. Why  walker? I hold my body up slightly so I am taking the weight off my back. It helps immensely so I have to suck up my pride and just use it, period!

Fears in recovery

I went to a couple of meetings yesterday and shared. People liked what I had to say, and some didn’t seem interested. That is how it goes. I always share the solution according the the steps but many people don’t want to hear it. They seem to not want to feel better. Whatever… I was tired of being miserable. I’ve been miserable my entire life. My message is about getting over misery and people don’t like it that is on them.

What is my fear then. I still have this deep down feeling that people will think I’m a fraud. I hate that but have learned over time that it is universal. However, I am new to the program and not many people get to where I am so fast. So when people ask me my sobriety date I am embarrassed. When people comment about having a guy sponsor I feel I need to make a defence. Well, I don’t. It’s not my responsibility to make them feel better about that. I know where I am and ought not to doubt that.

Utter frustrations!!

It took me and hour this morning to settle on what to wear so I could look like I just tossd on something comfortable and walked out the door. I hate this. I think I am going to have to add this to my prayers for some kind of relief. Also, Zack is working on a Food/Body Image inventory. I think I need to do that too, or maybe just a body image one. This is SO annoying and frustrating!!! I’ve waste the time I need for my morning readings and meditation.

Sometimes I can just get dressed. When I can wear jeans it is easy to get dressed but I have problems sometimes because of the generator in my hip. Plus it’s going to be hot today.

Oh, the time, off to a meeting…

Any thoughts?

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