Honesty with limitations

I finally got thoroughly honest about being disabled. It’s a bit frustrating because on the outside I look perfectly fine. On the inside though: pain, stiffness, occasional bought of flu like symptoms (not the flu), and overwhelming exhaustion regardless of sleep. Yeah, that’s what it’s like with fibromyalgia, myofacial pain syndrome and arthritis. I’m not complaining though. I personally would rather I have chronic pain than someone else who is less able to handle it.

Having said that…

The honesty comes in my having to eliminate activities, permanently. I gave up volunteering at the farm. First I stopped weeding that huge field, but Monday I had to stop helping out in the CSA farm share room. I simply need to take care of myself. I got a walking stick to use whenever I’m out and about. Do I need a cane? Not really, although it does take some of the weight off my back. I need it to remind me to sloooooowwww down, something I find exceedingly difficult. I’m a speed walker so it’s almost like torture to walk slow, never the less, it’s the best way to avoid over pounding on my back.

In a little bit I have an appointment with a pain psychologist. I use to see her to deal with letting go of my former super woman self but I guess I need to do that at an even deeper level. I was hit with a terrible fibro flare 2 weeks ago that knocked me for a loop. It was the first of it’s kind. I’ve had, what I now realize, mini-flares but nothing like this. It floored me and forced me to realize that I can’t go around pretending I’m a normal able bodied person. It’s really quite humbling!

Nutrition appointment

I presented her with the case for going back to the gym, as well as having a flexible caloric intake spectrum. We can’t get around the fact that I’m going to be doing loads and loads of sitting around. I just won’t be burning the calories I used to so she agreed. Having working through the program and going to regular AA meetings makes a huge difference in my anorexic attitude toward health versus ED behavior. My body fat % has gone down due to working out so I asked if she could take it at every appointment so we can figure out an exercise routine that I can maintain on. I’ll be seeing her every two week but I can drop fast so that seemed a reasonable solution.

I’m a bit discouraged that my GI issues have gone back to what they were, meaning I’ve had to eliminate the foods I had added after doing an unusual medication protocol. I’ve accepted that some of my issues are permanent damage from anorexia… it is what it is.

Yesterday

It seemed like the 2 meetings I went to focused on what brought us to the program. I shared that I had given up. I had talked to my therapist about if she would still be willing to see me if I just gave up even trying to recover. It was awful but than I made it into AA, as mentioned in previous posts. I shared the difficulty with working the steps and how I was so grateful to have a sponsor who took me through it as designed in the book, not according to what other people thought. I see so many people who have years and haven’t worked the steps. They are miserable! I’ve had way too many years of misery. The solution was shown to me and I grabbed it for all it was worth and now I am not miserable, probably for the first time in my entire life!

It pains me though to know this and see people flailing about unnecessarily. But hey, they are responsible for themselves. I’m only responsible for me.

Anyway, yesterday… I did not allow myself enough time to rest, and today is also a busy day. Even though I’ll be sitting around waiting for my car to get an oil change, one of my appointments, it is not resting since I am around lots of stimulus: people, noise, interruptions and so forth. I got a bunch of movies fro the library and will be spending a bulk of this coming weekend in rest mode.

Today:

  1. 9-10am    pain psych
  2. 11-12pm    personal training
  3. 215pm     oil change for car
  4. 4pm    REST
  5. 7 or 8pm    meeting

3 thoughts on “Honesty with limitations

  1. Oh Lord, an hour for physical training is quite a lot for someone with fibromyalgia. I have such a hard time with finding the right amount. Please do share if this works for you, because I need a physical routine as well. Yoga is my go-to but even the simplest of poses send me into horrible flares. Your writing is beautiful and I’m proud of you for working the steps and working with doctors. My psychiatrist once said that I had to mourn my former self. That hurt hard. I haven’t fully accepted my new limits. I will pray for you.

    Like

    1. I scheduled an hour so he can look at my body alignment on the few exercises I do, as well as to develop a better strength workout that I can do on my own. The second ½ hour will be help to build my core back up. It’s gotten weak and it’s pretty much the only thing I have to help my back. I used to be an athlete but am at a loss as to what to do for all these limitations!

      I’m so glad you can do yoga! I loved yoga but discovered that it was the cause of a good amount of my pain so had to stop altogether. I use this little stretching machine at the gym. I had to move my appointment to tomorrow since my back started having spasms. I’ll certainly post my journey of figuring out what to do, if you think it might be helpful.

      Like

Any thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s