I finally got thoroughly honest about being disabled. It’s a bit frustrating because on the outside I look perfectly fine. On the inside though: pain, stiffness, occasional bought of flu like symptoms (not the flu), and overwhelming exhaustion regardless of sleep. Yeah, that’s what it’s like with fibromyalgia, myofacial pain syndrome and arthritis. I’m not complaining though. I personally would rather I have chronic pain than someone else who is less able to handle it.
Having said that…
The honesty comes in my having to eliminate activities, permanently. I gave up volunteering at the farm. First I stopped weeding that huge field, but Monday I had to stop helping out in the CSA farm share room. I simply need to take care of myself. I got a walking stick to use whenever I’m out and about. Do I need a cane? Not really, although it does take some of the weight off my back. I need it to remind me to sloooooowwww down, something I find exceedingly difficult. I’m a speed walker so it’s almost like torture to walk slow, never the less, it’s the best way to avoid over pounding on my back.
In a little bit I have an appointment with a pain psychologist. I use to see her to deal with letting go of my former super woman self but I guess I need to do that at an even deeper level. I was hit with a terrible fibro flare 2 weeks ago that knocked me for a loop. It was the first of it’s kind. I’ve had, what I now realize, mini-flares but nothing like this. It floored me and forced me to realize that I can’t go around pretending I’m a normal able bodied person. It’s really quite humbling!
I presented her with the case for going back to the gym, as well as having a flexible caloric intake spectrum. We can’t get around the fact that I’m going to be doing loads and loads of sitting around. I just won’t be burning the calories I used to so she agreed. Having working through the program and going to regular AA meetings makes a huge difference in my anorexic attitude toward health versus ED behavior. My body fat % has gone down due to working out so I asked if she could take it at every appointment so we can figure out an exercise routine that I can maintain on. I’ll be seeing her every two week but I can drop fast so that seemed a reasonable solution.
I’m a bit discouraged that my GI issues have gone back to what they were, meaning I’ve had to eliminate the foods I had added after doing an unusual medication protocol. I’ve accepted that some of my issues are permanent damage from anorexia… it is what it is.
It seemed like the 2 meetings I went to focused on what brought us to the program. I shared that I had given up. I had talked to my therapist about if she would still be willing to see me if I just gave up even trying to recover. It was awful but than I made it into AA, as mentioned in previous posts. I shared the difficulty with working the steps and how I was so grateful to have a sponsor who took me through it as designed in the book, not according to what other people thought. I see so many people who have years and haven’t worked the steps. They are miserable! I’ve had way too many years of misery. The solution was shown to me and I grabbed it for all it was worth and now I am not miserable, probably for the first time in my entire life!
It pains me though to know this and see people flailing about unnecessarily. But hey, they are responsible for themselves. I’m only responsible for me.
Anyway, yesterday… I did not allow myself enough time to rest, and today is also a busy day. Even though I’ll be sitting around waiting for my car to get an oil change, one of my appointments, it is not resting since I am around lots of stimulus: people, noise, interruptions and so forth. I got a bunch of movies fro the library and will be spending a bulk of this coming weekend in rest mode.
- 9-10am pain psych
- 11-12pm personal training
- 215pm oil change for car
- 4pm REST
- 7 or 8pm meeting