I just got my pre-op appointments – October 17th. That means the surgeries will be within 30 days of that time and that means I won’t be able to go to Hojin’s retreat at zen mountain monastery. I was so looking forward to it. I’m so frustrated with having to cancel, cancel, cancel but I don’t want to put this surgery off for a couple of reasons. There’s the obvious reason of why I’m doing it but also I don’t want to have it done in the dead of winter. November is already a precarious time, weather wise.
I know I shouldn’t let this get to me and that I’m just feeling sorry for myself and that I have to live one day at a time and all that, but at what point do I allow myself to feel at all? Should I just be happy that I’ve been approved, etc? I mean, I’m grateful for that but I don’t understand how I am supposed to not feel bad. I feel like I’m supposed to just hide it so I’m not accused of indulging in self-pity, which clearly I am. I can’t share this at a meeting… I suppose I can waste a therapy appt on it since I have one today.
The universe isn’t conspiring against me, there’s no message or lesson to take a break from retreats, nor is there any reason of the delayed surgeries other than they are very busy and getting me in where they can. I can request an earlier date but why? Am I being selfish? Am I putting myself ahead of people who have far more serious surgeries? I simply am no one special and must wait my turn like everyone else.
I am not the center of the universe.
It’s a risky procedure too so maybe it’s a good idea to have a good solid 4 months of recovery under my belt before embarking on that. Plus it’ll give me a chance to rebuild my core muscles since the generator I’m having moved will be tucked under an abdomenal muscle. It’s a 2 week process again, surgery on one day and then the second one week later. I am allowing for way more recovery time than I did last time.
This time, also, I’ll have lots of support from program people. I can’t believe how supportive and caring they’ve been.
I haven’t been doing writing, clearly, and realize that writing in a journal just isn’t the same as typing on to this format so will endeavor to do writing here from now on. What kind of writing? Well, obviously I’ll have to update what I’ve been doing. I’ve been so busy with recovery stuff that I simply haven’t had the time. As of today I am 9 days away from my 60 day chip.
Okay, have to do my morning readings and meditation. I have this one book, “Inner Harvest” especially written for people with eating disorders. I have others as well but thought I’d mention that one since it is the most applicable.