Oh my god, all I want to do is eat. That’s such an awful, humiliating thought as a recovering anorexic, ugh. Fridays are my worst day. I’ve had therapy twice in the week, plus whatever medical, etc appointments I’ve had – added stress. I was going to be late for my pain management counseling appointment so I rushed, meaning I walked very fast to get there. My surgical area has not healed up enough for me to do anything but walk moderate or slow. The only thing worse that pain is being late though. I prefer getting everywhere 15 minutes early, or at least 8-10″. Because of my rushing I did get there on time but caused so much pain and discomfort, I would rather have dealt with the discomfort of being late.
So on top of the above listed stress, I am now in pain as well as exhausted from days on end up 5 hrs sleep at night. What typically happens is on my way home I think, “oh, I’ll get some pop rice chips and tofutti sour cream to dip them in. I can rest on the couch, crochet, watch some TV and not have to deal with food prep.” But what happens is I eat too much, even though it does fit calorically in my meal plan, and purge. I don’t like to purge; in fact I hate it, but I dislike the feeling of full worse.
So, today, I thought ahead of what I didn’t want to happen. I texted my sponsor, explained the situation, and said I was skipping the store and heading home. I ate a full meal which decreased the craving some but it’s still there. I should probably go to a meeting but again: pain, exhaustion. I’m going to 2-3 meetings a day. Why? It’s better than sitting at home obsessing on how fat I am, fighting the urge to exercise when I shouldn’t, and figuring out ways to decrease my caloric intake. You know – play the game.
I haven’t reacted nearly enough, even after realizing I didn’t allow time to recover from surgery. Today, 12 days post surgery, I am finally sitting down to simply relax. Enjoying that relaxation doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me today though.