Clarification

I was going to entitle this: Clarification, For Whatever It’s Worth, but that seemed rather lengthy.

Anyway, it occurred to me that people who read my blog might think I’m plummeting into the ever sinking whirlpool of anorexia and although it sometimes feels that way I am, in fact, doing okay. One reason I started this blog was to be able to purge on paper so to speak so some of my posts are an attempt to get the anxiety, panic, insanity out of my head so i can move along with my life.

Yes, I’m struggling quite a bit but I am also starting to laugh, have fun (fun, what’s that?) yes fun, developing friendships despite how scary that is, friendships with people who actually know what I’m struggling with. I’ve never had that before. I have the person everyone sees and interacts with, and the scared little girl who hides and fears everything in life that I keep safely caged up.

Yesterday I went to my sponsors/friend’s, Lilly & Zack, house to do the 4th step (personal inventory thingy). Two hours before that I tried sitting on my seiza bench (that is a meditation bench I use instead of a zafu (cushion). When I sit on that my thighs look massive; it’s rather horrifying. So knowing I was going to be sitting on that all day talking with my friends I sort of… no, no sort of about it, I totally freaked out. I tried on nearly everything in my closet to see if anything would make my thighs look smaller, or at least less noticeable. After an hour and countless frustrated tears I did something I’ve never done, ever. I called Lilly.

I was basically in an outright panic at that point and guess what? She talked me down, said all the right things, helped me refocus on what I need to do in the next few moments so I could pack up my stuff and head over. It worked, shock of all shocks, it worked. This, of course, can fill another post but I wanted to share that as an example of new stuff in my life. By the way, it was a result of gaining like 0.8 ounces on the scale…. um, yeah.

Today I got up, made breakfast, set my list for the day and am fairly sure it’ll be a good day. Have I ever been able to forecast that? Nope. Is it because my scale was back to normal this morning? Probably partly, but maybe a part of it is because yesterday I was around people who wanted to help, who went out of their way to help me, who really don’t care about the outward behavior but rather about me, you know, that scared little girl who has been traumatized her whole life. They showed up in my life and, for me at least, that has been a rare occurrence, if ever.

So, I will continue to blast out all the craziness in my head onto these pages, I will continue to struggle and work it out through writing, but for the first time in a  good long while I have hope. It might be a tiny, tiny light in the far off distance but it is there and I’m going to hold on to it for all its worth.

For today:

I’m going to go to a couple of meetings to hang out with other crazy people who simply want to get better so I can have their lives back, I’m going to go volunteer at the farm which I love, and I’m going to make cookies for the sanga that I sit with on Tuesday nights. What I’m not going to do is celebrate the 4th of July. It is another holiday, in my opinion, that celebrates war. I’m a pacifist. I celebrate Memorial Day & Veterans Day because those honor actual human beings. I don’t celebrate days like D-Day but will light a candle, so to speak, for all those who died, sacrificing themselves for the good of others. I am a veteran myself and my heart aches for all those who’ve died, all those who are hurting and damaged, and all those who have been ostracized in one form or another.

I understand the history that led people to found this country, resulting in independence, but I also believe in a global community and think we need to start setting aside nationalism, borders, etc and start accepting the fact that we all live on one planet and whatever effects people on the other side of the planet will ultimate effect us. Honoring the past is a good thing but only if it is coupled with moving forward, evolving into a more inclusive community that can lead to a better future for both us and the planet.

Any thoughts?

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