I’m tired of….

When I heard the lyrics to this song I felt like it was written for me. It’s a song by Simon & Garfunkel. song on YouTube

A winter’s day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I’ve built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don’t talk of love,
But I’ve heard the words before;
It’s sleeping in my memory.
I won’t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

It has been my favorite song for so long that I never thought it would be different but now… now I don’t want to be alone anymore, I don’t want to exist on an island all by myself. Yes, it would be easier and yes, I would have complete control and not have to deal with societal stress but would I be happy? Would I find peace?

How many times have I broken down and cried while sitting all alone in my own little cave (home). So how could I have possibly thought that being alone on an island would make one iota of difference on how I feel on the inside? I will still have to face myself.

I’m so tired of panicking when I feel full, having to constantly figure out my food to make sure I have the right amount, the constant fear of what the scale is going to say coupled with the exceedingly short lived relief when it is an acceptable number. I’m tired of body checks, of stupid irrational thinking, of constantly feeling fat and ugly and feeling like the most unlovable in the room. I’m tired of wading everyday in a pool of pity, of feeling unique and different when I am, in fact, not unique in any way. None of us are.

What a novel idea to wake up and just live. It’s like a fantasy tale because I have no idea what that looks like.

I’m tired of the constant fighting, fighting to hold on to an eating disorder, fighting to maintain my awful opinion of myself, fighting to stay in denial that I can ever get well, and fighting to deny that my life is very complicated and that it’s going to take more than a hot minute to get better or even see improvement. I am also tired of being unwilling to do everything it takes as well as not knowing any other way to live except keep fighting, staying sick, staying in the behavior….

Any thoughts?

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