All alone

I apologize for not writing part 2 of my recovery post. I had gotten to 18 days abstinent, meaning that I ate the prescribed calories, followed exercise and scale protocol.  Day 18 was Thursday. I do want to write what I’m doing since I will be doing it again but need to write a different post right now.

I am having surgery on Monday. I’ve mentioned about surgery issues before. I always forget when the impact is going to hit me. Well, it hit me last night, Friday, and I blew my abstinence out of the water. Surgical ambulatory called, as is usual, and of course the nurse knew who was and that I already knew the routine. She even counted how many I’ve been through. She felt bad I’m sure. I didn’t think much of it but should have called and talked to someone after. But who, who am I going to call, who am I going to talk to, who will even want to hear it (again). It’s the same thing over and over and over. I’m so depressed right now and feel so alone. I texted a friend to see if he could come by – busy. I have two other friends who would actually listen – they are out camping. I thought of someone else who I’ve had on and off time with – she lives too far away. I even texted a former neighbor – she is working all day and has never made time to come see my new place anyway (been here for almost 4 months). “Surely You must have more friends than that?” you ask. No, not really. Not that would be available for this sort of thing.

I have friends I could probably text with, maybe, but that just isn’t the same. How can you get a hug through a phone? How can you cry on someone’s shoulder? How can they lay a hand on your arm to calm the anxiety?

The funny thing is my head/mind is calm and glad to be getting this surgery done, but deep inside me I’m a complete mess. I joke about having PTSD from multiple surgeries but it’s actually the truth and this is what it looks like.

I have a stack of books next to me but can’t calm my anxiety down enough to focus. I might dig out my crochet and flip on the tv.

I pre-made food and put it in the freezer so I won’t have to deal with anything but the microwave for at least a week. I’m also in the middle of cleaning the whole house. I’m going to make the cookies for the Tuesday meditation group today or tomorrow to get that out of the way. I even finished up with weeding most of the thistle from the field at the farm. The farmers are amazed and I’m feeling rather impressed with myself that I managed to get done what I did. I’m sure they’ll all grow back by the time I’m back in the field. I took pictures which I’ll share when I’m back on my computer. I’m writing this on my phone.

So now I just wait….. just me…. I don’t even have a cat anymore to keep me company. I have nothing.

I know I’m in the middle of a pity party which compounds my guilt.

The surgery is at 745am, Monday. It’s currently 1015am, Saturday. That means I only have to wait 45 ½ hrs (minus) 10/12 hrs for sleep tonight and tomorrow = 34/35 hours. Not too bad I guess. It could be worse.

Any thoughts?

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