Running in Circles

I do have to get to bed but thought I’d post an update before tomorrow. The emphasis is because I see my nutritionist tomorrow and have to apologize for last week. She was going to make some major changes but I begged her to let me try one more week to do the plan that was in place. The changes were because she took my body fat % again and was not happy.  In fact, this was her ->

ohno

So why do I have to apologize? Not because I failed to follow the plan but because I knew I wasn’t going to follow it when I left the appointment. I knew when I was begging her to let me try. I knew even before I went into last weeks appointment.

For some reason I can’t get it through my head that there can possibly be anything wrong. So what, my body fat % is low. My weight is fine although she thinks it is low. It isn’t. I’m not sick. If I was say 5-10lbs smaller than yeah, okay, I’d concede that I was not doing as well as I ought to be. If I went into a program right now everyone would laugh at me for being so huge. It would be utterly embarrassing. That’s irrelevant anyway since I have zero means of paying for any program and besides, I’m not that sick. In fact, I’m not sick at all!!!! 1furious

Normally I am able to pull myself out of this, with my teams help of course, but this time I don’t seem to want to. You see, the lower my body fat the better. The biggest reason for that is because I’m pathetically feminine looking and the less fat I have on me, the less curves and lady bits I have showing. It’s hugely triggering because of past traumas. I’d prefer to be the shape of a 2 x 4 board so I could simply blend into the background and avoid all possible attention.

The losing weight part for me is about hiding. I always want to hide; the smaller I am, the more places I can hide. Right now I could probably fit into a tote and that makes me happy. I have my bedroom/office set up so that my bed (small twin) is as hidden away as possible so I can feel safe at night. I got rid of my larger bed and got the smallest one I could find so I could curl up in it and take up as little space as possible. The bigger I get, the less safe I feel and there are fewer places I can hide.

I was watching this video: Simon’s Cat Logic – Why Do Cats Like Boxes and thought, “Oh my god, I’m a cat!” rollmeow

So, back to my appointment tomorrow…

I imagine she will say that if I don’t start making an effort, she’s going to have to consider a higher level of care. That’s usually what it comes down to, and then I start doing what I’m told. But this time, there is no higher level of care option. I’m already going broke paying cash to see her, how could I possibly pay for a treatment program. $100 dollars a month for the rest of my life? That still wouldn’t cover it.

I don’t know what to do. I simply need to eat what she wants me to. I mean, I do eat a lot, don’t get me wrong. I eat all day long, lots and lots of food, but it isn’t the amount she wants me to eat. Why don’t I do it? Why? I don’t understand. Well, alright, I refuse to gain weight and I will gain weight if I eat that ginormous amount of food. And with all the food I am eating, I’m not losing either. Sigh….. round and round it goes…..

 

 

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