Time has passed hasn’t it? I have been a bit remiss about updating but it’s been a very stressful past week/weekend/and beginning of this week. I’ve been having phone issues and ended up having to buy a new phone only to have the problem return…. [insert long iPhone story including gripes about lost data, budgetary constraints being dashed to the cliffs, etc… ending with yet another genius bar appointment this coming thurs.]
I do have to add though that I did call apple in the meantime and got this person who was more concerned with validating my feelings than just getting to the issue. Seriously? I’m sorry but I’m too much of a technical person to be all touchy feely when it comes to getting a device fixed, sheesh. Just fix the god damned phone! Oy, guess I was a bit angry. I might be more like my dad than I realized. I mean, I was nice to her and bit my tongue more than once because she did seem sincere. She also didn’t know she was talking to a woman who used to work on the electrical systems in jets in the military. So yeah, my tolerance for gobbledygook in those calls is very low.
I saw the doc today. She was so helpful, it was shocking. She normally just doesn’t have a bed side manner worth mentioning but she was so kind. She gave me a few things for some of my current problems. Actually I should probably delete that last post now that i think about it. I do want to use this blog though as a healthy means to blow off steam so maybe I’ll just leave it. Anyway…. if you can imagine, before I left I just stood there and cried and said over and over that I just wanted to sleep. I am so sleep deprived it is unreal. I think I am more sleep deprived than when I first got back into recovery and was very sick. It adds up you know, not sleeping. Sleep debt they call it. I’ve had chronic insomnia for so long I can’t actually remember what getting a good nights sleep was. I’ve done literally everything possible: sleep studies, sleep hygiene (meaning habits to prepare for bed, etc), even using an oral device designed for a type of sleep apnea that afflicts thin woman (not that I consider myself thin!); all to no avail.
My doctor said, would you like to try Ambien? I said sure.
I’ve been offered that before but never took it. The reason? Years ago I knew this one woman who said that when she took Ambient she would get up in the middle of the night and make huge amounts of food and eat it. She had no memory of this but would wake up in the morning to see the disaster of her kitchen. I decided right then and there that i would never, ever, ever take Ambien, yeah, because I might involuntarily eat. Well I give up. I need sleep. I used to force myself to stay in bed for 6 hours no matter what. You know why? Because if you get less than 6 hours sleep you’ll gain weight. I should be concerned with things like brain damage, and well, death but no, the only thing I’m concerned about is gaining weight from lack of sleep, sighhhhhhhhhhhh.
But now, I walk around like a zombie so I’m willing to take the risk. The pharmacist said that is nearly no chance of sleep walking. Extreme fatigue effects me like alcohol, I loose my ability for restraint. I sat in front of the pharmacist and said, “Look, I’m recovering from an eating disorder and I’ve heard about people eating at night on Ambient, which kind of terrifies me, so what’s the deal?” I try to stay firmly in the ED closet when possible but sometimes I just get tired of beating around the bush. She was so helpful and gracious and there wasn’t any bit of judgement on her face either. She made a great suggestion of putting tape on the cabinets and fridge just so that when I woke up in the morning I’d be assured everything remained as it ought to. So that is what I’m going to do. As soon as I post this I’m going to tape everything up, pop a pill and head to bed.
Wish me luck!
I reeeeaaaaaallllllllyyyyyyyy want to sleep.